In 2004 Lynne and Emma became the first same sex couple to be approved for adoption in their home town of Bristol. They continue to live in the city with their son Steven who is now 26 years old.
Lynne: We got together in our early 20s and when we got to the stage of thinking about children, adoption or fostering were always part of the plan for us. It felt like our way of going into parenting as equals.
Emma: We were very open but we didn’t really know that much about adoption. I remember us wondering ‘are we even allowed to do that?’
Lynne: So when we eventually contacted Bristol City Council to find out more about adopting we were quite naive in some respects. We were very lucky because we had a very positive experience with all the people that we met in the adoption team. I remember that first conversation when we said, ‘we don’t know what’s best for us, is it adoption or fostering?‘. The social worker gave a really helpful answer: would we like a rewarding new job? Or would we like a family? We knew we wanted a family – so adoption it was.
The next question was ‘can we do that as a gay couple’? The social worker explained that we couldn’t officially be approved as a couple because the law was still in the process of being changed. What they suggested was that we go through the application and approval process as a couple but only one of us would be named on the final paperwork. At which point we said ‘okay, if that’s how we do it, let’s go’.
Emma: It wasn’t until we were approved that we fully understood how unusual our situation was. That’s when they said to us, ‘you’re the first openly gay couple that we’ve ever approved’. It never really came up before then and we never asked. The team were incredibly supportive. They took us through the process together but, at the approval panel, I was the one officially approved to adopt.
Lynne: Not long after, the law did change* so we were both able to be on the adoption paperwork as a couple. With hindsight, because it was a time of change for adoption and civil partnership, I think the level of scrutiny we were under was probably more than most prospective adopters have, but it was all very positive. We later realised not everyone had that experience. We know other gay couples who had very judgemental social workers and had to fight their way through.
Emma: It was only when we had contact with other local authorities that we came up against any negativity. As part of the matching process we could consider children from outside our area and that’s when we began to experience homophobia. We would phone up the different adoption teams around the country and the reaction of the child’s social worker was often very negative. Anything from an obvious fobbing off where we knew we’d been placed at the bottom of the pile to outright hostility. We were told “You’ve been misinformed” or “What you’re doing is illegal”. That was all really painful, so we stopped contacting adoption services by phone and started writing. That way we didn’t have to go through the horrible conversations but they were free to contact us. That’s how we found Steven. It wasn’t just that he was a good match for us, but his social workers and his foster family were supportive of him being adopted by two Mums. All those pieces had to add up.
Lynne: We were very open to adopting either a boy or a girl. Although we did say we would like a child who was around 5 years old. That would mean they had begun a school routine which we could support and we would be able to talk about things openly. In Steven’s case, he had been in a neglectful situation for three years. But he also had two very good years in a foster placement. He went to them when he was nearly 4 and came to us when he was nearly 6.
Emma: When we first heard about Steven we got a little video of him at school. He was really cute, bright as a button and very funny. He’s still all of those. Then his social worker visited to interview us and they also met both our parents.
Lynne: The first time we met him. We were so nervous. I can’t imagine how it must have been for him. What was going through his head as a 5-year-old lad? But his foster family were very calm with him and within two minutes of getting through the door, we were in the back garden, jumping up and down on his trampoline. They stepped back and let us get play together. It was just lovely.
Emma: We then spent more time together. His foster carers were some distance away so we stayed nearby for a week. His foster carers told him he was so special he wasn’t just going to get one Mum; he was going to have two. They did that beautifully. We’re still in contact with them to this day because they’re part of his family too.
Lynne: When it came time for him to come and live with us we did everything we could to make the transition as easy as possible. We made him a book with pictures of his bedroom and the toys waiting for him. He was introduced to the pets, our families, the park. Things came with him from his foster home too —birthday presents, toys, all the stuff he’d accumulated, even his climbing frame.
Emma: We made sure there was a box of Lego in his room and some cuddly toys he chose. We were also fortunate to have a really good support network. We had lots of friends around us that had young children of a similar age. So we knew that there would be a whole network of wider friends and family to welcome him.
Lynne: That first morning, we knew he’d woken up because we heard the sound of Lego being poured onto a laminate floor. He’d found it and just got stuck into it. And we looked at each other and went, ‘there’s a little boy upstairs and he’s our son. Isn’t that cool!’
Then the settling-in starts. You introduce him to people. Everyone wants to meet him. There’s that whole flurry of the first 6 months.
Emma: The professionals around us were great. We felt very supported. They gave advice but never made us feel we were being told what to do.
Lynne: School became a different matter altogether. EHCP battles. A very mixed bag of teachers. Some were superb – his first school and teacher were great and organised a little party for the whole class to celebrate when Steven’s surname changed. But some were patronising and dismissive. And there is endless paperwork. In fact school was harder than the adoption process. It was baffling. Our attitude was : Steven had a really hard start in life, but he has potential, so how can you help him learn? But what we got time and again from teachers was “he’s difficult, he’s not trying hard enough”. On lots of occasions there was a real lack of understanding about what a child who had been through the care system might need.
Emma: There were times when I know we were seen as overbearing Mums. Two women just making a fuss. We’d try to explain his needs and be curtly told, “he’ll be fine, we know what boys can be like”. A month later we’d hear: “he’s quite difficult isn’t he, do you have any suggestions?”
Lynne: We’ve had colleagues question to our faces whether it was right for a child to be adopted by two women. As if it were an intellectual debate. You end up holding space for their curiosity and learning when it’s about your son. Advocating for us as a ‘real family’ and for Steven and his needs is part of being adoptive parents.
Emma: Despite the challenges, the most important thing is that we knew that Steven was going to be alright. It’s not always a smooth ride, but he’s always been heading in the right direction. He’s fundamentally a really good guy. He loves a joke and he’s kind. Sometimes he finds it hard to tell us how he’s feeling but I think we have a pretty good idea these days. He’s 26 now and it’s amazing to hear him chatting confidently with other people. Talking about work and his girlfriend.
Lynne: We went on a family holiday last year. Steven is a man of few words, but at one point we were standing on a mountain and he turned around and said, “this is amazing!” For him, that’s off the scale! I thought, isn’t that really cool we’re here and it’s touched him so positively.
Emma: Those 20 years have gone quickly and it’s good to think how things have changed for same sex adopters. Maybe there’s something in the way the gay community embraces “chosen family”. Being gay gives us an understanding of what it means to be different.
Lynne: Things have come a long a long way – think of all those children that have been adopted because the law changed. It’s great, but it’s important to remember that its still not supported or even possible everywhere in the world. At the end of the day this is about giving kids the homes they need. We mustn’t forget that.
* The law changed to allow same-sex couples to adopt jointly in England and Wales on 30 December 2005. This followed the passage of the Adoption and Children Act 2002, which removed restrictions based on sexual orientation, allowing unmarried and same-sex couples to apply for joint adoption for the first time