Mum and daughter at Sarah’s wedding
Claire adopted Sarah, then aged nine, in 2000. They share their family memories here.
Claire: “In 1999 I was divorced and had my son, Piers, who was then 18 years old. I’d also had an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage but always wanted more than one child. Despite the fact that I was a social work manager with children and families, it hadn’t registered that single people could adopt. Eventually it just clicked and I went for it. At first I tried my local authority but they didn’t believe in single people adopting. Then I went to Coram who were lovely. Actually, it was my son who saw Sarah first. He spotted her profile in the magazine, ‘Be My Parent’. She was seven nearly 8 years old then”.
Sarah: “I remember them coming to visit me at the foster carer’s house. My sister was in the home as well. But my sister didn’t want to be adopted. We’d been placed together the year before with another family. But my sister said she didn’t want to be adopted. So it didn’t happen. I really wanted to be adopted. So I was really happy about being part of a forever family. I was sad to leave my sister but it wasn’t traumatic at all”.
Claire: “Sarah eventually came to live with us in the Easter holidays. We drove her past her new school so that she could see it before she started. I also remember one of the first things we did was to go out shopping together. Just the two of us”.
Sarah: “It was the first time I’d really gone shopping just for me! I was really pleased to have my own room too. Mum let me paint it yellow with the moon and stars across the top of it. My life was very different to the way it had been. I’d moved to a totally different area as well. From Berkshire, where my foster home was, to North London. Now I was living in a lovely Edwardian house with two dogs and, eventually, a cat”.
Claire: “Sarah kept asking for a cat from really early on. I said when she felt at home she could help a cat feel at home. Thankfully she settled in very quickly and we did get a little kitten. One of the most surprising things was when Sarah said she wanted to convert to Judaism. I never expected Sarah to do anything religious. Yes, we were Jewish, to the extent that we had Friday night, but Sarah was the one who pushed it. She said if I was Jewish then so was she. Sarah went on to do GCSE Jewish studies which I was stunned by. My son didn’t do that! She had her Bat Mitzvah and her sister and older brother both came. Which was lovely”.
Sarah: “We also met my biological mother when I was 15. I really wanted Mum to meet her”.
Claire: “It was lovely. She thanked me for what I’d done and I thanked her for having Sarah. Of course, I was very nervous at the time but I’m really glad we did it”.
Sarah: “I’m still in touch with her today. Nothing that’s happened is her fault and I don’t think it’s fair that she doesn’t get to see how I am and what’s happening in my life. So, she’s met my children. I think for her to be able to see them is really important. She sends them things on their birthdays. Which is very lovely of her because she doesn’t have much money. I’m still in touch with both of my birth siblings too. My brother loves being an uncle and he’s always sending presents for the kids at Christmas and birthdays”.
Claire: “You don’t think when you first adopt that it’s something that continues through the generations. I’m a grandmother now just as much as if Sarah was my birth child. With Sarah and her husband, I’ve got 3 grandsons and another two grandchildren with Piers and his wife. It’s been wonderful”.
Sarah: “For us, adoption is just normal. It was another way of becoming a family and is no different to a biological family. We annoy each other like any mother and daughter but also support each other unconditionally. I used my own experience to become an independent visitor to a child in care. She was 11 when I met her and is now in her 20s. One thing she has always commented on is that I have normalised her experiences and reminded her that a lot of relationships she has built with people are no different just because she had a different upbringing. When she was mad at foster carers because they wanted to impose a curfew, we spoke about how any parental figure would do that. I have a very strong belief that the way our families are built shouldn’t change our worldview on those relationships and that being adopted isn’t an excuse for things”.
Sarah is now a primary school teacher and Lead SEND Practitioner. She and her husband have three sons. Claire is a retired social worker and grandmother to 5 children.