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My ex-husband and I got married when I was 23 and we wanted to start a family straight away. After two years I still hadn’t got pregnant and we began fertility treatment. In total, we tried three rounds of IVF without success before we decided that enough was enough.
Adoption had always been something that we had planned to do if we couldn’t have biological children. The first step was to contact our local adoption service which was Lambeth as we lived in South London. We started with an induction weekend and then we got into the registration and approval process which was very involved and quite challenging. We were allocated a social worker who interviewed us in great detail about every aspect of our lives. They also talked to people who knew us and there were the obvious police and medical checks. It was difficult at times as it’s very intrusive. But you go with it because it’s important and that’s how the system works. Plus we were very lucky as our social worker was lovely.
Once we were approved as adopters our social worker began looking to match us with a child. This stage involves looking at profiles of different children who are being placed for adoption and is quite distressing as they will often have experienced neglect or trauma. I think we looked at three or four potential matches before we were presented with a black and white photo of a baby girl. They were a petite, brunette baby who was around four months old. We learned a little about their family history which was troubled. They were considered vulnerable at birth and had been in foster care since they were 10 days old.
Something about Clementine just felt right and we decided we’d like to meet them.
The first stage was to meet the foster carers which was a very emotional experience. I think they had fostered quite a few children but had hoped to adopt Clementine themselves and for some reason it hadn’t worked out. When we eventually met, the foster Mum burst into tears which started me crying and left the two Dads trying to keep it together! That same afternoon we went to their house to be introduced to Clementine for the first time. I can’t remember all I felt, it was quite overwhelming. But I do remember thinking they were such a gorgeous perfect little baby.
When I held Clementine for the first time I had to kind of gather myself to stop the tears taking over again. I felt a bond straightaway and we both loved Clementine immediately.
After that first meeting we gradually spent more and more time together before they came to live with us after a few weeks. It took another year and a half for the adoption to be finalised. As a first time Mum, I was lucky because Clementine was a very good baby, sleeping through the night and eating well. It all felt natural from a practical point of view although it was difficult in other ways. Clementine was very watchful and distant with us. That’s something that’s probably explained by the fact that they had a traumatic start and they can still be that way today. From my side there were big changes and challenges too.
I had always worked before I became a Mum and suddenly I was at home with the baby. My friends lived in other parts of London and my family’s in France. Mothers with biological children often have a built in support network of people they meet in ante-natal classes, I didn’t have that. So it was lonely at times. Fortunately, my in-laws lived close by and they provided some company and helped with childcare.
Clementine took to nursery and primary school quite well and they’ve always been very creative. They loved to sing and keep a journal. As they’ve got older the music and the writing have become more important.
Although I’ve always thought of Clementine as my child – no different to how a birth child might be – I think growing up can be particularly hard for adopted children. Clementine was a very angry teenager, isolating a lot and sometimes struggling with relationships. Friends would tell me, “Oh, that’s just being a teenager,” but I knew there was more. I’ve done my own therapeutic work to try understand myself and our relationship better.
By coincidence I came across “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier. This book describes the trauma that many adoptees experience as a result of being separated from their birth mothers. When I read it, I thought, “Oh my God… this is my daughter”. I understood that Clementine was carrying wounds that came from a preverbal place: the chaos during pregnancy, being removed from birth family, leaving that first foster placement. Plus, when they were older, going through the divorce between my husband and I. All of this has influenced how they see the world and our relationship. One of the things that can happen is a constant push and pull between us.
Clementine would often test me. I remember once when they were eight or nine, they said to me, out of the blue, “Mummy, if I kill someone, will you still love me?” I remember replying “Yes, I will always love you. Of course you will have to deal with the consequences of what you did but my love will always be there”. I think they’ve been testing me ever since.
When Clementine was 19, we had a stupid argument and they picked up a backpack and said, “I’m leaving. I’m never coming back.” And they left. We didn’t speak or see one another for six months.
I knew they were staying with my ex husband and somewhere safe. So I kept in contact by sending emails. Every Monday, I’d write a chatty message with all my news and saying “I love you, I’m here”. I didn’t ask anything of them or expect a reply. Then after about six months of sending these emails, one Monday, I forgot. I don’t know how—perhaps I was distracted, perhaps I was tired—but I didn’t send it. The next day, they texted me: “What’s going on?”. Slowly, carefully, we started talking again. I realise now Clementine needs to know I’m around, even when they don’t want to talk.
These days they live three minutes from me, which is perfect. Although we don’t share a house, we’re close—emotionally and physically. We often speak after work and we go for walks or for a meal.
Clementine is thriving. They’re bright, resourceful and incredibly independent. They have never asked me or my ex for anything financially since leaving school. They work as a manager in a lovely Thai restaurant where everyone adores them. They’re quick, organised and reliable. They’re also working with a producer and making music which is brilliant
Being Clementine’s Mum has made me grow in ways I never would have done with a biological child. Our relationship is the most profound of my life. When they were little I used to say “adoption is full of joy and happiness, but also sadness and grief”. I had to grieve the loss of a birth child and sometimes that grief still resurfaces. But I also feel a deep sense of purpose because Clementine didn’t choose any of what happened. They didn’t choose chaos, or loss, or disruption. But I did choose and they’ve taught me more than I ever imagined. Above all, I’ve learned that the best thing I can do for them is deal with my own stuff, stay steady and Clementine who they are. I’m so proud of them. They have their own path and part of mine is just to be here and love them.