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I was brought up in foster care then went back to live with my Mum when I was 16. When I fell pregnant at the age of 18 social services did a pre-birth assessment. After the assessment, my social worker went on leave and no-one took over from him. So when I went into hospital to give birth, I didn’t have a social worker involved. Before he went away my social worker had recommended that the house needed cleaning before the baby was born. My brother and I were sharing the dining room as our living room. As you might expect from two young people, it was a bit of a mess. When my Mum turned up at the hospital she said he hadn’t cleaned the place even though he’d been asked several times. One of the nurses overheard the conversation and told me that she’d called social services.
So, when I gave birth to my son, social services were involved again. They decided I couldn’t go back home and I should either move into a Mum and baby foster placement or have a care order put in place for my son. I agreed to the placement and the foster carers were good people. Unfortunately, something happened at the man’s work which was considered a risk and I had to move to another placement. I didn’t get on with the lady at the second placement. She didn’t like some of the things I’d learned at the first place and I didn’t like being with her.
I was given one day a week time out from my son when I could go off and do things on my own. I used that time to visit my family. One day when I was back home, I got a phone call from the social worker. It turned out that the foster mum had found two bruises on my son – one on his forehead and the other on his back. Looking back I think I sometimes handled him a bit roughly which could explain the bruise on his back. I also wondered whether he might have banged himself when he was playing. But I couldn’t explain the bruise on his head. We had to take him to hospital for an x-ray which was clear. I got angry because I was being accused of hurting my child. I think that went against me because, from then on, I wasn’t allowed to be left alone with him. I saw a psychologist and she said that I was capable of caring for him as long as I got lots of support. The first foster carer spoke up for me and said that I’d never hurt him. But no one listened to her. Soon after that I was asked to move out of the placement and my son stayed there.
By this time my son was 7 months old I went from being with him all the time to seeing him three times a week at a contact centre. That was 2009 and from then on I was in and out of court for three years. I had the same solicitor who helped me when I came out of care and my family supported me. My Foster Dad spoke up for me and came to all the appointments. We even suggested that I could go into the same Mum and baby placement my Mum went to when she had my brother. They all said good things about me. But, because of what the foster carer wrote, it went against me and the court decided that my son should be adopted. I believe my past was a big part of that decision. It hurt being told I was like my Mum. I would never hurt my child the way my Mum hurt me. They said that because I’d been in foster care, I hadn’t had the experience of a Mum or Dad showing me how to be a proper parent. All the way through I’d hoped my son would come back to me but it didn’t happen.
My son was placed with a new family and in 2013 the adoption order came through.
I met the adoptive Mum who I think was a single parent. She told me she’d already adopted another boy 2yrs older than my son and had wanted 2 children. She seemed lovely. February 2013 was my very last contact with him before he was adopted. It was July 2013 when it went to court to be made permanent. It was agreed we’d have letterbox contact every year and it’s been nice reading the letters and getting photos of my son. Hearing how he’s doing and how happy he is makes me happy. But It doesn’t change how I feel about the way people in court judged me because of my past.
I don’t have any other children because of a medical condition. I was with my ex for 5 years and he trusted me to Iook after his children. Which meant a lot. I also qualified as a Guide and Rainbows leader. So there’s been children in my life. It’s possible that I could have a baby with IVF. Maybe if I was married or with the right person, I’d get to keep this one. For the moment I get to look after my nephew, who loves me.
I do think adoption can be a good thing particularly for children who aren’t being cared for properly or wouldn’t have a family otherwise. But things need to change so that other people don’t have the kind of experience I had. It might have been different if I’d had more support. These days I’m part of a group of birth parents who share our experiences. It really helps to have people who understand what you’ve been through. We’re also working to change things. So many of us didn’t have a chance. It’d be good to see social workers spending more time with birth parents to really get to know them. It’d be great to think that there are better ways of working to keep parents and children together. We’re also campaigning for kids to have more contact with their birth family. Not just in letters but maybe meetings or having a video call. I understand that might be difficult for the adoptive parents but lack of contact is difficult for the children too. A child shouldn’t have to imagine what their biological parents are like.
My son will be 18 this year and maybe he’ll want to meet me one day. I hope he doesn’t judge me by what he’s read in the reports. I want him to know that I never gave up trying to get him back. Right until the end.