Erin and Rob’s story, 2021

Erin and Rob adopted a little girl, Lauren through Coram in 2021.

Erin and Rob discussed whether they wanted children early on in their relationship and adoption was something they were open to exploring, as Erin recalls:

“We felt then that our ideal situation would be to have a child and then adopt a child and grow our family like that. We’d always been interested in adoption.”

After trying for a baby for several years and subsequently going through unsuccessful fertility treatment, Erin and Rob decided to start to properly look into adoption. Someone Erin knew through her work had had a very positive experience of adopting with Coram and the couple decided to go along to an open evening at Coram to find out more.

The couple found that throughout their journey speaking to lots of different people with a connection to adoption really helped, as Rob explains: “We spoke to a friend whose mum was a social worker, she also spoke very highly of Coram. We did lots of research and you find out how many people’s lives have been touched by adoption in some way. I’d advise anyone thinking about adoption to speak to anyone in their network with a link to adoption, find out how it’s changed their lives and what to be prepared for.

“We spoke to people who had been adopted and found out what impact it had had on them, they had such positive life experiences, told us how important it was, how much they loved their parents which was lovely to hear. We also heard from an adoptive mum in our training on how she had navigated challenging situations. Explaining how she considered them to be her children- without any question – was a powerful thing to hear.”

Through Coram, Erin and Rob learned about early permanence, something they had not been previously aware of. Early permanence enables younger children to be placed with carers who are approved to adopt them later, if the courts decide they cannot be cared for permanently by their birth family.

Early permanence carers are approved as adoptive parents; but also receive additional high-quality and intensive training and support from Coram to help them prepare for the process of being a foster carer as well. This involves caring for a young child while important legal decisions are made around their long term care, working with the professional network around the child, taking a child to see their birth family in a supervised setting, while care proceedings are ongoing, and managing a return of the child to their birth family where this is the outcome.

Erin and Rob chose the early permanence route because they were keen to adopt a younger child and were drawn to how it can help you bond and attach with a child from an earlier age. Erin says: “Through our training, we learned how much pregnancy can impact the development of a child. There is nothing we can do about those first nine months but we thought as soon as we could have that child in our care, we could start to help with their attachment, with giving them all the love and bonding and give them the best possible outcomes.”

Rob adds:

“Day one of the early permanence training is the reality that a child might be returned to birth family so the first thing is to be mentally prepared for that. Also learning about the importance of attachment reassured us that early permanence was what we wanted to do. We explained early permanence to our family and friends and that helped us process the idea more. They couldn’t always fully understand it – and it was emotionally hard for all – we weren’t going to be Mum and Dad, they weren’t going to be Grandma and Grandpa – for at least the first six months of ‘our baby’s life with us – but they really supported us through it.”

Erin and Rob began the journey with Coram in 2019 and completed stage one of the process pre-lockdown, meeting other prospective adopters who they have stayed in touch with since adopting. They found the training challenging at times, as Erin says: “We were given an education – almost too much of an education but I completely agree with the process – so your expectations are that there are going to be significant challenges and until a child goes to school you won’t really know the severity of those challenges or how it might all unpack.

“It is a really intense process but they are giving us a human to care for and this human is inevitably going to be much more vulnerable. So of course they need to know that we are going to be absolutely the best people we can be to support them with whatever might come their way.”

Rob adds: “We were prepared for a lot of challenges. It can be a bit hard at that time to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it all becomes quite hard. You become a different person, I’m quite shocked looking back now at the person who went through the adoption process, how resilient we became. It’s incredible and testament to Coram for setting us up so well.”

Halfway through stage one, Erin and Rob decided to speak to their social worker about Rob’s own difficult childhood experiences, as they thought it best to be completely open during the process. They said that this was dealt with by their social worker “incredibly sensitively” who wanted to make sure they weren’t put in a vulnerable situation during the adoption process. They advised that Rob should seek therapy before continuing the process and they gave the couple “lots of space” at this time. Erin says: “Our advice for anyone else considering adoption is to be as brutally honest with yourself and about yourself to your social worker and trust that they are professional enough to support you through the process.”

Rob adds: “Our social workers became part of our lives for two years, you’re speaking to them so frequently and it’s kind of incredible how much support we did get. This level of support is something that’s unique to Coram. Even when things are a bit quiet at times, you know you’ve got someone to talk to, and they checked in with us so often.”

After taking some time out for Rob to attend therapy, the couple moved onto stage two of the process, which was during the national lockdown in early 2020 and took place online.

Erin and Rob were approved to adopt in August 2020 and moved onto the matching process. In some ways they found this the most challenging part of the journey as Rob explains: “The uncertainty with the placement was the hardest part for us. It was the biggest thing we were unprepared for, how difficult it is to be waiting.”

Erin adds: “I did find reading the children’s profiles emotionally tough. Reading them and saying no can feel like a rejection, but it’s important to remember we were rejecting the circumstances not the child. It’s almost impossible to hold yourself back and most of the circumstances you’re reading about are heartbreaking. It’s not just the child, the birth parents, in 99% of cases have also had terrible lives to endure. How systemic it is! It’s hard to be exposed to it all and keep positive.”

In November 2020, they expressed interest in a baby who hadn’t yet been born and would need to be cared for but in the end the match didn’t progress as Erin explains: “We were really interested but the timelines were becoming more and more uncertain and things were more severe with the baby’s medical condition than first realised. It was more uncertainty than we could handle so we had to make the heartbreaking decision not to progress. But it is hard not to start falling in love, to plan for them in your family – you can’t help yourself.”

The couple said at this time it helped to remind themselves of what they had decided they could take on in terms of a child’s background and circumstances, as Rob says: “The key is to understand what you want at the start and trust the you that made the decision unemotionally rather than the emotional you in the middle of the process.”

This part of the process did take longer than it may have ordinarily as there were delays in the courts due to the pandemic, and fewer children were available for placement via early permanence. Six months on from being approved, Erin and Rob had a conversation with their social worker about looking at other options and considering mainstream adoption.

Shortly after that, in March 2021, Erin and Rob were called by their social worker, with details of a little girl called Lauren. Lauren was 14 months old at the time and was being cared for in a mother and baby foster placement. Her birth mum had recently left the placement and so Lauren was being cared for by the foster carer.

It had been decided that ‘mainstream’ adoption would be best for Lauren to avoid moving her into another foster family and to give her stability sooner. But social workers were interested in Erin and Rob’s profile as they wanted to be able to support contact with Lauren’s birth family after adoption, and as approved early permanence carers Erin and Rob had been trained on this.

Erin recalls: “The call was late on a Friday and we received the profile first thing Monday. By 11am, Rob and I had read every word of the profile and both said yes let’s go for it! We immediately called our social worker and said we were keen to progress as soon as possible. We felt a real connection to Lauren in her profile.”

Lauren’s birth mum has learning disabilities and there was a question about her own developmental health and what it might mean for her outcomes. Erin and Rob discussed it and felt they would be able to cope with this uncertainty. Erin says:

“At that point we realised we loved her. All we wanted to do is to support her to be able to live a happy and independent life.”

Rob adds: “We also spoke to someone at that time who works with adults with learning disabilities who was so wonderful about the joy that it brings.”

The match progressed and Erin remembers the chemistry meeting where they met Lauren at the park with her foster carer and social worker: “Lauren was playing on the swings and put her arms out for Rob to pick her up, it was such an emotional moment, I don’t know how we all held it together! It went from there very naturally. The foster carer was incredibly open, we felt so comfortable in her house. We had two weeks of introductions and the foster carer made sure we were leading everything, she was really wonderful.”

Rob adds that they still have contact with the foster carer: “You can tell how much she loves Lauren, she really wanted her to go to the right home. There are so many people involved throughout the process who became such a huge part of our lives. They all have an impact, even the ones only there for glancing moments. And with us all seeing Auntie Noelle every few months, it also keeps adoption as a live conversation in our house.”

Lauren came to live with Erin and Rob in May 2021. Rob says: “Once we took her home, you are aware you are still being watched and you’re not parents until the court order goes through. That was quite hard. You can’t really get normality at that time, you have to embrace the tough moments. Our social worker was really reassuring and there to support us.”

Erin adds: “You are constantly looking for signs at that time – are we bonding, how is she feeling, is this a memory of something? Your life becomes so much smaller for all the right reasons.”

It was recommended that Lauren had contact with birth family members and Erin and Rob facilitate direct contact with her birth mum and older brother once a year and letterbox contact every six months. Erin says: “We had some preparation sessions to help us support each other and be in the right emotional state for contact with Lauren’s birth mum, and that was invaluable. It allowed us to think about things like ‘how am I going to feel when birth mum refers to herself as mum to Lauren and when she hugs her. It helped us talk it through and allow us to be properly in the room during contact, giving the birth mum what she needed and also being there for Lauren. We also spoke to our social worker ahead of the first contact meeting and may need more support with it as Lauren gets older.”

Rob says: “It’s important to help adopted children build a sense of themselves and we feel contact is something people should do – if it’s safe for the child. We deeply feel that it’s going to be a good thing for Lauren. Right now, she’s really comfortable with her birth mum and brother – but we’re also mindful that this will get harder for everyone as she gets more awareness of what her adoption actually means. The life story work we do, based on training we did with Coram, is the backbone of all of this.”

Erin and Rob say that they will take up any post-adoption support and training that’s offered through Coram. They participated in the Incredible Years training last year which they describe as “phenomenal”, helping them know how to approach certain things with Lauren and avoiding them developing into bigger issues.

Erin says: “We really feel that through all the training and parenting programmes we’ve done, how did parents who didn’t adopt know what they were doing? We got quite aligned on how we wanted to parent Lauren which has been quite incredible.”

The formal adoption order was granted in November 2021, six months after Lauren first came to live with Erin and Rob. The couple say they “cried our eyes out that day”, relieved that they would now officially be Lauren’s mum and dad.

Lauren is now three-and-a-half and doing really well in the family. Rob says: “She’s wonderful. I almost don’t have the words for the incredible explosion that happened in our lives the moment we met her. And she is very very funny! She’s is unequivocally our daughter yet we don’t hide the fact that she has a birth family. We are grateful to them and this is a strong component of also wanting birth family contact to be a positive experience for everyone.”

Erin adds: “She’s a lovely little girl, a really kind soul, you can see that. It’s nice to talk to her birth mum about these very nice family characteristics. We make quite a lot of effort to have lots of difference in the people Lauren is exposed to, including other adoptive families. We show that there is no ‘normal’, everyone has had a challenge.”

Rob concludes:

“Lauren is tracking amazingly. Last year she started talking and everything changed, helped us understand more about what she needs – and she’s incredibly good at expressing herself.

“There will always be potential challenges that are unique to adoption. But we’ve gone from strength to strength as people and a couple. Every phase has some really hard emotions and also different wonderful emotions. We don’t feel that’s any different to being a parent in general. We’re really proud of her and us to be honest!”.